Nice guys finish last

Blog: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

“Hello, I’m a Nice Guy and I don’t understand why girls won’t go out with me. I’m sweet, kind and respectful. I’m also completely homophobic, sexist, racist and a bit creepy. And I also think all women except my mum are sluts and whores but seriously, why won’t girls let me touch their boobies?”

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Yes ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is the pandemic of the “Nice Guy.” Poor fellow just can’t get laid (and probably can’t get into his choice uni, get the job he wants etc. etc.) and it’s all because of you bloody womenz! They are also the inspiration for my favourite Tumblr of the moment, “Nice guys” of OkCupid, a blog dedicated to outing the fuckwittery behind the sexist undertones of the “nice guy” movement.

Don’t check out the site unless you’ve got a few hours to kill because the actual rubbish these guys come out with is so disturbing and fascinating I just lost the best part of a morning giggling and being horrified by turn. Along with the idiots who manage to make themselves sound completely unlovable through their profile descriptions alone, there are the ones who almost sound, well nice, until they trip themselves up answering profile questions OKCupid sets for them. The site asks prospective daters loaded questions like “Do you think women should be obliged to shave their legs?” and “Assuming you had a homosexual friend, would it bother you if they hugged you?”, to which the answers are painful to say the least.

As Laurie Penny has already asked in her excellent article in the New Statesman,  “How are we supposed to handle common-or-garden sexist dickwaddery when it puts photos on the internet and asks to be loved?” The problem with these guys is that they really believe they are “nice”, when the general population would probably classify them as definitely “not nice at all.” As hilarious as the blog is, the attitudes of these men show rape culture in its basest and most everyday form and they don’t even know it.

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Take the spiffy-looking fellow in the fedora who describes himself as a true gentleman, only to answer yes to the question, “Is there any circumstance where a person is obligated to have sex with you?” I can only imagine what these circumstances could be, because you brought her a nice dinner perhaps? Sounds a bit rapey to me fella! Then there’s the guy pulling a mean cat pose who describes himself as a “hopeless romantic” and then says, “No is just a yes that needs a little more convincing.”

It’s not just rapey and sexist subtexts though, oh no, there are also several “Nice Guys” who think racist jokes are funny and that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Seriously, why aren’t the ladies beating each other out of the way to get to these guys? Some people have criticised the site for being little more than online bullying, but with attitudes this repugnant, maybe pulling these guys into the limelight is no bad thing. After-all there is no better cure for douchebaggery than laughter.

I think it’s well time enough that we call these guys and their outdated attitudes out for what they really are, disgusting and misogynistic. Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys have a job they love and a partner who appreciates them because they worked hard to get these things. They didn’t sit around on the internet hating women and blaming the world for their short-comings.

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Just to help you losers out, I’ve written a list of things that will make you a real nice guy, not as ass. Pay attention…

1) A nice guy doesn’t get mad at being put in the “friendzone” because he thinks having friends is pretty cool. In fact he probably has a load of female friends whose company he enjoys without expecting to get some sex out of it.

2) A nice guy isn’t judgmental and thinks all people are equal, therefore…

3) A nice guy isn’t homophobic,

4) A nice guy isn’t racist,

5) A nice guy isn’t sexist.

6) A nice guy doesn’t have any interest in taking advantage of a woman. He can get laid because he’s a cool, respectful, interesting guy and doesn’t need to or want to pressure anyone into having sex with him.

7) A nice guy ends up with a nice girl in the end because he respects and deserves her and it goes both ways.

8) A nice guy doesn’t blame anyone else for his problems, he gets his head down and works for what he wants because that’s just what nice guys do.

9) A nice guy doesn’t consider himself a victim and doesn’t victimise others.

It’s pretty simple guys, good deeds and attitudes make for a good person but if you still don’t get it, fine, just do us all a favour and stop calling yourself “nice”, because you’re not, you’re a dick and that’s why us nice girls don’t want to go out with you!